I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
