I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
