I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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