so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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