she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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