His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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