I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
