Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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