I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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