I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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