Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
