her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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