I wish my penis had an off switch
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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