It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
