I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
