I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
