Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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