Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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