you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize