It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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