I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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