Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
