your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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