I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
