I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
