the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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