i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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