I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
