I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
