shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
BRING THE BAGELS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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