News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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