Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
did i just pee glitter
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
