my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
