does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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