I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
