guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
