I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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