I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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