margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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