I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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