I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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