Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it's like iHOP with fire
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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