Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
