How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
