dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
