I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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