how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
