I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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