I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
