And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
