life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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