I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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