Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
two words...techno handjob
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
