I'd wear matching sweaters with you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
