I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
